Autism and Anger Management

At the risk of sounding like an AA 12 Step program: I have a problem. The manifestation of that problem is my anger, irritability and frustration with people, whose volcanic influence can leave me seething for days, and then once it resides comes the guilt, the self-punishment, and the withdrawal. The root problem is my autism spectrum disorder which went undiagnosed until 2015, and was precipitated (I believe) by the sudden onset of cerebral ataxia when I was a five, a neurological disorder that affects the cerebellum, and causes difficulties with speech and hand coordination. You see, my brain doesn't quite work the same way as yours. Because of the stunted development caused by my ataxia, my emotional IQ is not the same as neurotypicals. (see video below).

When stress, anxiety, or anger rears itself, my logical and rational faculties take a back seat to the emotional part of my brain whose thinking and feeling processes are that of an adolescent mind. So you can see how everyday interactions can be more difficult, keeping my cool on social media is an everyday challenge because I get drawn into arguments and confrontations so easily, and then my fight or flight response tends to kick in, and my perceptions of people that disagree with me on various points gets warped so that they become public enemy number one in my mind. Its difficult enough for my autistic brain to understand and interpret social cues and responses in the real world, let alone on social media when I can't see a face or understand the tone of speech being employed.

My self awareness of how my anger manifests has grown the last few years, but my ability to manage it hasn't so much, aside from a few grounding techniques and risperidone that help me more in the outside world. So my options on how to manage myself on social media come down to three options, self isolation, limiting my time on Facebook, and self editing my responses, and trying not to get drawn into every battle. The latter seems the most doable, because outside of social media, I have very few connections to the outside world. Making and keeping friends, and long term relationships, has been a lifelong struggle for me, and my fears of rejection tend to keep me from reaching out. So for the last 20 years the internet has been my primary mode of connecting with the rest of humanity, and its very hard to break that habit especially when people make it hard to connect because they sense there's something different about you, something they'd rather not be around. In that capacity I share a lot of similarities with the YouTuber Autism On The Inside who put out this video with which I could instantly relate:

In conclusion, I'm explaining all this to explain how and why my anger flares up on social media, not to make excuses for it. Because in Lutheran circles, I'm often misunderstood and mischaracterized as some kind of monster, a hangover from my failed marriage. I really don't enjoy being this Jekyll and Hyde character, and by the grace of God, I hope to do better in future. But I can't do it without your support and prayers. In the name of Christ. Amen.